


Hear my Voice (Even if I don't speak)

by Cieleniti



Series: NCT Oneshots [21]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coping mechanism, Donghyuck is insecure about his voice, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Mute!Donghyuck, Team Bonding, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:02:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23230633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cieleniti/pseuds/Cieleniti
Summary: There's more to having a unique voice than singing.The constant reject of his affection had always lingered in the mind of Lee Donghyuck, and he starts to wonder if its his voice that makes them turn him away.(And perhaps, the thought went a little too far)
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Everyone, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Series: NCT Oneshots [21]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2148876
Comments: 26
Kudos: 604





	Hear my Voice (Even if I don't speak)

Donghyuck had heard countless of times that his voice was unique compared to others. It became his identity, the one thing he hid behind when people pointed him out among the many members of NCT. Their individuality and persona would grow, for sure, but Donghyuck would forever remain as that one member with a different timbre.

Although it was never pointed out specifically during the short variety show shootings they had (unless a member brought it up), his voice was what made him, himself. It brought an exoticness that matched the dark shade of his skin and the mystic gaze his eyes possessed. It should have brought him endless pride and unrivaled confidence.

But there was more to such a voice other than singing.

“Haechan, would you stop it!” Johnny grunted and pulled the youngest of their unit off of his back, albeit more harshly than expected. Johnny always underestimated his power, but Donghyuck could never muster up the intention to tell him that it kinda hurt when the large man lifted him up onto his shoulder. “You should be more respectful of other peoples condition, not just your own”

Donghyuck pouted. “But I enjoy bothering you, hyung. You’re more fun to play with.”

“Not in the moment” Johnny said, the tinge of frustration and annoyance in his voice not diminishing. “I’ve had to put up with you as a roommate and have your voice in the room twenty four seven”

There was a low chuckle as Jaehyun came and sat down beside Donghyuck. “I told you, hyung. Being roommates with Haechan is like having an alarm clock that can’t be put on snooze. As much as he tries to talk softly, it’ll still be a disturbance because that just how his voice works.”

“Are you guys talking about Haechan’s voice?” Mark piped up, glancing at them through the mirror as his hair was styled. “Man, you should hear him during our rookie years. He wouldn’t stop talking and followed me everywhere! I almost left SM because of it.”

“Hey…” Donghyuck forcefully smiled even though a sense of dread had started coursing through his chest.

“What can we do?” came Taeyongs voice. “He’s our Haechan. But peace and quiet would be great once in a while”

“Like during his Dream schedules?” Yuta questioned, a smile tugging at his lips.

“Oh yeah! We had a night of beer with no minor in the house begging to join in” Johnny recalled, summoning a round of laughter. “The karaoke that night was more…how do you say it?”

“More organized?” Doyoung asked, casting a glance at their maknae. “Less fooling around and more enjoyable?”

“That’s true, though” Jungwoo shrugged and leaned back, making the others give him a disheartening glance. Jungwoo would be either drunkenly depressed or blacked out after a few rounds of soju. “Haechannie’s voice it hard to sing properly when he starts fooling around”

“Because it drowns out everyone else!” Taeil yelled, throwing his hands up.

There was another round of laughter and Jaehyun slapped Donghyuck on the back, clearly missing the way the younger flinched at the touch. “It’s okay, Haechan. Even with an annoyingly high pitched voice, you’re still a part of the vocal line”

“Like a slap of iced water every time you sing in our songs” Taeyong supplied helpfully.

Donghyuck knew that that statement was supposed to be a compliment on how his voice would stand out, it brought up his insecurities that he had tried hard to bury years ago. It made him wince when he heard his own voice, sometimes, when they sang slower songs. It sounded foreign, strange, and perhaps was the only reason he was not involved in the songs the vocal trio (Taeil, Jaehyun, Doyoung) were involved in.

The subject of his voice was brought up countless of times. He would hear the members talk about it, about how it was hard to focus on reading or composing with him in the house or how his voice would become increasingly painful to hear when he spoke louder than usual.

A simply yell from him could soar until the whole dorm heard even when he wasn’t trying to.

His aegyo voice was even worse. Even he himself hated the way he sounded when he used his higher register. In fact, it came to the point that he tried to use a lower tone when talking, but there was no escaping the timbre in his voice. It was something that had been developed even before puberty.

He didn’t know if he was improving or not after puberty hit as he always sounded the same. The only thing that shifted was his style and he didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. It made him scared, it made him worried. But it was his voice as a singer, and singers had to sing.

That night, he had approached Johnny out of curiosity which he knew might as well be the last string before he fell into his own demise.

“Hyung…is my voice strange?”

Johnny had laughed and pulled the covers over his head. “Of course, Haechan. It’s different but that’s what makes you special. Sure, it annoys us but that’s your personality, of course. It helps with your image, too.”

And that was it, the conclusion he was trying to avoid, but was too obvious for him to run from.

His voice was annoying. People hated the sound of it and it was too resonant, disturbing and perhaps not that nice to hear. Sure, he was a great singer, but that was it. People didn’t enjoy the way he spoke, and it was worse when coupled with his image. An image that had become reality, in a way, which was even worse. People despised him because of his voice.

Did they even hate the way he laughed?

-

When he found himself looking in the bathroom mirror, it was as if the echo of his own breathing was mocking, demanding him to be quiet. The small banters he had in his head were a common occurrence, ranging from the way he felt insecure about the beauty marks dotting his skin and his darker complexion.

It dawned to him that perhaps what they were avoiding all this time was his voice. The high pitched tone he used as he embraced a member out of love. He lived off of physical affection. He needed it to block out the tendrils of darkness that had started seeping into his heart. But they pushed him away, avoided him when his arms were wide open.

And now, Donghyuck was sure that his voice was that barrier, that factor that held him apart from the love that the others could have given. And of course, what happened just now was still evident in his mind, a video that was in constant replay.

_SLAP!!!_

_The sound vibrated around the practice room._

_Everyone froze, or perhaps it was because time seemed frozen in Donghyucks point of view. His hand trembled as he brought it up to his cheek that was turning red rapidly. His jaw ached and it was starting to burn, but none of that could rival the pain that had blossomed in his chest._

_“You say that one more time, Lee Haechan!”_

_Donghyuck was stunned speechless, a coldness settling in his veins as unshed tears formed in his eyes. There it was, the last straw. He couldn’t run now. Not from them, not from the voices in his head, not from himself._

_“Johnny…hey…Johnny calm down” Doyoung whispered, desperately trying to pull the elder away from the youngest. There was something in his eyes that made Donghyuck shrivel back even more._

_Disappointment._

_“He’s right, though” Yuta spoke up, though his voice was only slightly less angry than Johnny. “He was being disrespectful. We’ve been putting this off too much, hyung.”_

_Donghyuck could have spoken. He could have blamed his outburst on his stress and his emotional instability ever since they had spoken of his voice that fateful day. He could have hid behind the face of humor he always did when he pulled these kinds of things, when it dawned to him that his hyungs weren’t in the mood for playing, a little too late._

_His constant jokes and teases were his only defense when things were too much. He was the youngest, incapable of being angry or scolding others out of anger or having tantrums big enough to calm himself down._

_But now…now things were different._

_“You should say sorry, Haechan” Mark reasoned, but there was a sharp edge in his voice. “Now”_

_The word was whispered between trembling lips and the group departed to make way for the dorm. No one was there to hug him, to hold him close and tell him that it was okay, that he didn’t deserve the slap. No one was there to see the first of his tears drop._

_And no one was there to shake away the voices that told him to be quiet._

“I’ll be quiet, I’ll be better.” he whispered, cringing when his voice echoed against the bathroom walls. “I won’t speak…for them.”

-

Donghyuck was usually a light sleeper, being the one to wake up and help out during breakfast. However, as the years past and the stress took toll on his body along with the constant change in time zones during his terrible 127 Tour/ Boom Promotion schedule, his sleeping schedule had shifted and became so problematic, Taeyong and Doyoung had chastised him for it.

From being unable to fall asleep until early in the morning to being unable to wake up until early in the afternoon. These things happened frequently and Johnny was usually pulled into his strange antics during the ungodly hours at night.

Donghyuck was fine, though. The Dreamies were pretty much the same as he was.

But in his pursuit to be a better maknae, a better person, he forced himself up early in the morning right after Johnny left for the gym. It was a strange feeling, knowing there were no schedules and he was up early enough to have free time.

“Haechan, you’re up?” Taeyong called from the kitchen as Donghyuck walked out his bedroom, hair probably a birds nest. “That’s unlike you, but I’m impressed by the change”

_I’ll try to be better, hyung. It’s okay, you can look forward to more._

Donghyuck hummed and set himself to work beside Taeyong, his hand reaching out for the knife to cut up the chicken. Early mornings were filled with comfortable silence and peaceful breeze, something Donghyuck had missed. It gave him time for himself, time to think about the things he had done before and how to change.

“You okay, Hyuckie?”

There was a tinge of worry in Taeyonsg voice. Donghyuck shook his head, still bent over the chicken that he was now collecting in a bowl, ready to mix some chili paste with it. The silence was back and Donghyuck bathed in the peacefulness off it all, something he had not savored before.

“You’re being really quiet. If you’re tired, you can go back to sleep.”

Donghyuck turned and offered Taeyong a comforting smile, giving a dismissive wave of his hand before continuing with his work. He refused to acknowledge the confused face Taeyong bore, much less the fond smile that came after. It was true, then. His voice wasn’t something that wanted to be heard.

An hour later, faced and sluggish figures emerged from the rooms, drawn in by the smell of breakfast prepared much earlier than normal. Donghyuck watched as, almost instinctively, Mark headed for his and Johnnys room.

Taeyong laughed heartily. “Mark, Haechan is already awake.”

The Canadian blinked twice as he glanced over at Donghyuck who offered a cheerful wave. A look of confusion passed for a moment before he smiled wide, throwing his hands up in celebration.

“God, what if this miracle?! Could it be that he had seen the light and changed his ways?!”

Jaehyun grabbed Mark by the back of his collar and tugged him to his seat, pushing him down. “It’s too early for your blabbering. Eat.”

The table erupted into laughter before they tucked in, conversations regarding their most recent comeback appearing between bites. It was a normal morning but something seemed off, but no one could put a finger on it.

Donghyuck made sure he was the last one to finish eating. The dishes were usually stacked up in the sink for some fellow (*cough* Doyoung *cough*) to find and end up washing. His own naivety was physically painful for him to recount and he made a mental note to help out more in the dorm (although he always did before).

-

There was a bruise…no…a welt.

Taeyong saw it the moment Donghyuck walked in, and he noticed for sure the puffiness of his eyes. An apology lingered at the edge of his tongue but wasn’t able to be spoken into existence as Donghyuck continued the day without a single word.

It was strange, truly…and Taeyong had seen it before. It was Donghyucks way of coping, and probably the least aggressive method among the 127 methods. No crying, no yelling and no broken objects. It was just Donghyuck making himself busy to keep his mind off of things, and would usually stop once he had gained control of his emotions.

After a few hours, he would cling to someones arm in silence, letting them know he was okay and then would come the comforting hugs and the giggles and things would go back to normal.

It shouldn’t worry him, but it did.

The day went by faster because they did nothing but roll around in their dorms. The composers, such as himself, bent over lyrics and the others were having Netflix marathons. When Johnny came back from the gym, they teased him as usual and ordered him to go bathe.

He was aware that Donghyuck had gone out for some extra practice and had come back in the night. He sent the leader texts as a way to tell him he was fine. It was night when he came back, and it shouldn’t have worried Taeyong because that was when the members usually came back from their outings, but for some reason, it did.

And when night went by and the next day came and Donghyuck was beside him again, stirring the soup he had made and looking more refreshed than the day before, Taeyong wondered if there was something he was missing.

-

It wasn’t a part of the plan.

He didn’t plan to practice until his body felt like giving up and to push his fitness beyond the limits he had set for himself. It wasn’t the high of practice and improving that made him follow the dangerous schedule.

It was himself.

Being face to face with the other members had become almost unbearable. It was as if he could hear the disgusting thoughts of his members when they set their eyes on him. Vulnerable. That’s what he felt. Every second that passed when he was in close range with one of them made the pain in his chest all the more unbearable.

Guilt was eating up his insides along with the endless self-hatred and feeling of worthlessness that clouded his mind. They looked so happy together, as if the absence of his voice, of his presence, was a gift bestowed on them after years of being patient with his antics.

And for some reason, Donghyuck felt the need to make his body feel the same pain, and it resulted in hours of practice that did not cease until he couldn’t think and the pain in his heart finally subsided as he drifted within his own fatigue.

The wall of self-love he had desperately built when he felt the first wisps of depression haunt his mind went crumbling down. He was pulled back to the first step, an inch away from falling into an endless hole that wouldn’t let him escape.

Weeks passed and suddenly, it wasn’t just his voice. It was everything that he had that differed him from others. The mirror was both his enemy and his friends as he stood and thought about how exotic he looked, how different from the beauty standards that the Koreans had engraved into their minds.

 _You’re too different_ he thought as he looked at his figure in the practice room. _You’re not worthy of being looked at_

-

Mark looked over at Donghyuck.

The practice had ended, the high of adrenaline that came with it fading to make way for fatigue. It’s been a week since the incident in the practice room, and Mark knew that it should have, at least, resulted in a group meeting at the very least.

“He’s still coping” Taeyong had replied when Mark had asked the second day after the incident. “He’s not ready yet”

That was evident. Donghyuck hadn’t spoken a word since it happened, and avoided them like plague. Mark knew he wasn’t the only one who noticed, but Donghyucks way of managing himself required patience and control.

Privacy was the least they could do when Donghyuck used his non aggressive way of managing his emotions.

But a week had passed and Donghyuck hadn’t said a word, hadn’t approached any of them. And for a very valid reason, it terrified Mark out of his mind. From the corner of the practice room, he could see Taeyong talking with their choreographer, a permanent air of authority wafting around him in order to gain an upper hand in the conversation.

Mark knew the days that passed were different than usual. Their choreographer had probably picked up on their uneasiness and the missing voice that usually soared during practice. Something was wrong this time, and Mark couldn’t bear to leave it like that any longer.

“Hyuck!” Mark called as he jogged over to the youngest who was packing his bag. Donghyuck looked up, his gaze locking in on Marks overly cheerful expression. “Wanna go hang out at the karaoke? I heard Jungwoo hyung is gonna pay!”

There was a moment of silence before Donghyuck shook his head, his gaze dropping down before he began to turn to resume packing.

“Wait!” Mark called and grabbed Donghyucks shoulder, the younger tensing in his grip. “I just…I just want to hang out with you. We can go anywhere you like…”

Donghyuck looked back at him, his eyes still bearing that penetrating gaze before he gently pushed Marks hand off of his shoulder, as if insisting he leave. It was as if time froze in Marks persepective, and the sense of dread in his veins felt all the more prominent. When Donghyuck turned away, Mark let his smile drop and he stumbled back, stunned at the youngsters reaction.

“I…I’ll be going then…” and he took off out the practice room, leaving Donghyuck to watch him go from the mirror, the aching in his heart growing.

-

“Haechan”

Donghyuck froze before he turned to look at the solemn faces of the members he loved most. It hurt him when Renjun had said they didn’t step out of their dorms and exited their rooms only to eat. The fact that he could be the reason they had less comebacks had always been the burden that weighed on his shoulders.

“Hey…Hyuck” Jeno greeted. He opened his mouth to continue but was cut off as a wind blew passed him and launched itself upon Donghyucks tired form, almost making him tip over.

“Oh God…why do you look like this?” Jaemin whispered in his ear, hugging him tighter. “What’s going on, Hyuck…what’s going on?”

And of course they would notice. At least, Mark would have told them that something had changed in him, something the hyungs couldn’t make out in time to save him from falling backwards to his doom. But these friends of his, who had given up school and life, their own childhood, to pursue an unclear dream with him, knew.

“What did they do to you?” Renjun asked as Jaemin pulled back, his soft hands passing over the welt that was still evident on his cheek. “Did the manager do this? The choreographer?”

Donghyuck didn’t say a word, his eyes gentle as if coaxing them to think beyond what they would instantly assume. He knew his friends would be able to read every smile on his face, every shift of emotion in his eyes and every unspoken word he wished to convey.

“One of the hyungs…” Renjun whispered and suddenly, it was as if a dam broke inside of him. His tears spilled and the emotion he kept bottled up came flowing with them. A strong pair of arms (no doubt Jeno’s) pushed them into an empty practice room before they could collapse in a bundle of tears and shared pain.

“You’re not okay, Hyuck!” Jaemin sobbed and Donghyuck could feel the strong muscles under Jaemins sleeves tense. “You don’t…you shouldn’t have kept this to yourself-“

Someone cupped his face and he recognized the owner as Jeno. The boy simply gazed deep into his eyes, as if reading every single insecurity he was trying to hide. “Hyuckie…it’s okay to cry”

But he was crying. He could feel the wetness on his cheeks and the way his body jerked forward, but that was not it. Even in a wreck of emotions, his voice didn’t let itself out from his throat, restricting itself out of a fear he had implemented deep into his subconscious, as if releasing a sound would make him lose the ones he held close.

“Please…” Renjun pleaded, gripping the front of his shirt tightly. “Please…Hyuck…please talk. I…I want to hear you.”

But when Donghyuck tried to coax out his voice, his own mind pushed it back. The quiet panic and hopelessness that settled itself inside his heart was reflecting through his eyes where his closest friends could see it-

And realize how far broken he had become.

The tears that had come after were tears of loss. There was a spark that usually glinted in the eyes of their light hearted friend, but that spark had dimmed and was almost gone. As much as they wanted to try, they knew it wasn’t them who could bring it back, no matter how hard they could try.

And if their hyungs ever made that spark go out without a fight…they would have to pay for it.

-

The first three days were awkward. The first week, it became troublesome. The following week, it was terrifying.

Doyoung was done with all the waiting and excuses. The term ‘we have to make sure he’s ready’ no longer applied when things got this serious. Donghyuck wasn’t talking; he wasn’t even taking proper care of himself!

He had to understand the situation one way or another. There were so little clues and so many aftereffects of the situation. He had known it was all going downhill when he saw Mark crying in Jaehyuns arms. _Crying._

And then there was the reason itself; Donghyuck. It was as if he had lost his identity. The beautiful persona Donghyuck had carefully crafted for himself, in such a way that he barely had to pretend when on screen, had been reduced to a shadow of its former self.

When the hyungs ever tried to make physical affection with him, it was as if he was immune. He’s stand still, occasionally hugging back but with not more than that quiet smile he had worn for the past two weeks. And then was his voice.

Oh…how he missed that voice.

It came to the point that he would perk up whenever hearing Donghyucks voice in their music, as if the current Donghyuck was miraculously talking again, but he never was. Their manager had not realized yet, and the later, the better.

“I’m done” Doyoung stated with a tone of finality after Johnny recounted the last few nights he had roomed with Donghyuck. “I don’t care what you say…I just want to…I just need to know.”

Taeyong shot from the couch and grabbed his arm, a pleading look in his eyes. “Please…Doie…we have no idea what he’s going through”

“DO YOU THINK IM THAT BLIND NOT TO REALIZE!” Doyoung thundered, slamming a hand onto the tea table. “It happened after that godforsaken day in the practice room. He’s not talking, he’s not searching for affection. His arms are clear and his sleeping schedule isn’t messed up. He’s eating as usual and he helps out more. Can’t you see whats going on?”

The silence that hung in the air after his question was deafening and Doyoung left before he had the chance to burst in anger. He had to talk to Donghyuck, or he’d drive himself insane from worry. The others could wait all they wanted, but someone had to make a move first.

His hand came up to knock on the door befor he let himself in.

The room was dark as it always had been. Donghyuck was sitting on his bed, a blanket draped over his shoulders and seemed to be listening to music. Upon the sudden flood of light into the room, Donghyuck pulled his earphones out and glanced at Doyoung who quickly shut the door.

The bed dipped as Doyoung made his way in front of Donghyuck, making sure they were face to face. The dim light of a single bed light was enough for them to trace the shadows that were cast upon their faces. In the darkness, Donghyuck looked as vulnerable as ever.

“Hyuckie…I know you won’t speak…so I’ll talk for both of us” Doyoung said gently, pulling Donghyucks hands in his own. Doyoung could feel them trembling, the way they always did when Donghyuck was under emotional pressure. To be pressured by the sight of one of his hyungs was enough to make Doyoung worry.

“You…you’re exceptionally patient…Hyuck” he spoke in small phrases, taking in the small movements Donghyuck made. “You’re never truly angry at anyone. Even when you broke your leg, when you got terribly sick, you were never angry at anyone but yourself”

Donghyuck was listening. Doyoung knew because the hands that were in his own were clenching tightly.

“But we could have never achieved that sort of patience. It was your ability and because of that, we prove weaker than ever when posed with ordeals we cannot bear to stand. And due to that weakness and our own lack of understanding, we hurt you a lot. I know…saying this won’t make the mistakes we’ve made come undone…and we won’t make you forgive us easily-“

Doyoung broke off because he realized that Donghyuck was crying…tear tracks making their way down his cheeks and that sudden show of emotion (something other than that muted feigned happiness) made him break down as well. However, he came to speak…and he had to finish it for Donghyuck.

“It doesn’t matter how different you are, Donghyuck…you’re still someone worth fighting for. I’m saying this because I know inside your head; they are trying to tell you otherwise. I’ve been there, and I see all that when I look at you…a mirror of myself. I know they’re saying you have no worth, that your uniqueness doesn’t make you a better person and that very flaw you see in yourself should drive you away from your dream. I know, Hyuckie.”

Doyoung reached to touch the fading welt on Donghyucks cheek, exhaling slowly when Donghyuck didn’t flinch away. In fact, the younger was melting into his touch as if he had (deep down inside) yearned for the affection.

“And I know…what makes them go away” Doyoung said and he didn’t have to continue. Donghyuck launched himself at Doyoung and the elder opened his arms to let him into his embrace. It was a silent reunion, in a way, and Donghyuck bathed in the warmth of Doyoungs soft worn out shirt and the scent of sea that came with it.

“It’ll go away. They won’t come when I’m here.” Doyoung whispered and Donghyuck held on tighter, his tear staining Doyoungs shirt. “You’re not nobody, Hyuck. You’re someone precious to me…and I won’t let you be lost again. We’ll try again, Hyuck, from the start. I’ll make you see what I see when I look at you.”

And the voices in Donghyucks head grew silent. Because the one holding him saw him as something precious enough to cry for…and no voice could make Doyoung disappear. And the first sound that Donghyuck made after two weeks of silence was a cry of anguish, and Doyoung felt the worry in his chest burst at the sound before settling down, calm and collected.

And they both cried with each other…because the voices were quiet and there was no one else but two people who saw each other as something precious.

-

“Hey…hey, Mark” Jungwoo whispered as the foreigner wiped away the tears that had started brimming in his eyes yet again. “Hey…it’s fine”

“No, it isn’t” Mark replied roughly, wiping away the tears of frustration from his eyes.

The day after they had been startled by the cries that erupted from the room Doyoung had entered, things took quite a change. Donghyuck wasn’t silent anymore.

At least…not to Doyoung.

He had resorted to whispering single words into Doyoung ear when the elder bent down to listen. They were attached together, in a way. When someone made a move to talk to Donghyuck, it was either the boy running off to find Doyoung or the elder quickly taking him away with a vicious shake of his head.

The whole thing was both annoying and frustrating. No one knew what had happened or why Donghyuck had become emotionally attached to Doyoung. In fact, on a particular day, Doyoung even went out with the Dreamies to get something to eat.

Sure, the rest were confused…but no one was as frustrated as Mark.

“I just want to _talk_ to him” Mark said wetly as Taeyong passed the younger a tissue. “It’s just so…ughhh-“

“Then just approach him somehow or tell Doyoung you want to” Yuta reasoned.

“I CAN’T!!!” Mark yelled and buried his head in Jaehyuns thigh, startling the elder. “He hates me…he hates me a lot and its always the other way…and I can’t stand this anymore”

Taeil sighed heavily, sharing a dreaded look with Taeyong. It was just a matter of Marks emotional attachment to the younger and the fact that they were…are…best friends that made him into an emotional wreck. It was probably taking everything Mark had not to launch himself upon the younger once he realized that Donghyuck was whispering with Doyoung.

“Doie…yeah…we have a slight problem” Taeil spoke into his phone, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. “Y-yeah…Mark…uh huh…okay, okay”

There was a beep as he hung up and they all looked up expectantly at the eldest who sighed. “They’re in the dream dorm.”

-

Warm.

That’s what he felt.

The pillow fort plus the blankets they had heaped on the carpet were warm, especially with the other five bodies crowded around him. Things had gotten better after the Dreamies realized he had started small communications with Doyoung.

“You’re doing so well” Renjun had praised when he managed to force out a “strawberry” when ordering milkshake. The sound of his own voice was still unwelcome, and he still felt uncomfortable speaking beyond a whisper. The sound of it was still loud in his ears despite the others telling him they barely heard what he said.

“Shhhh….Doyoung-monster will hear you” Chenle shushed, looking up in mock fear. There was a thump as Doyoung purposely stamped his feet hard against the floor, making dragon noises.

“WHO IS IN THIS PRETTY FLOWER PATTERNED HOUSE THAT’S AS SOFT AS A MARSHMALLOW-“

**Ding Dong!**

The six Dreamies scrambled from the floor to theor knees, breaking apart the roof of their pillow fortress in the process. Doyoung hurried over to the door, a smile on his face and Donghyuck wondered if Doyoungs had ordered pizza for them.

There was a the quiet hiss of whispering before Doyoung pulled a hand inside. It seemed as if the owner was having second thoughts pulling back but someone must’ve pushed him from outside because the owner stumbled in, his eyes red and puffy.

The silence threatened to swallow them.

Mark looked terrified as he hid behind Doyoung shamefully, hiding his face except for one eyes that peeked at Donghyuck. His whole exterior was trembling as if suppressing a sob. A magnetic impulse flooded Donghyucks veins at the sight of his best friends cowering behind someone, looking so young and cute. It was rare to see Mark look so vulnerable…and he didn’t want to be one of the reasons.

He spread his arms open and Mark barreled forward, hugging him with such intensity, they Donghyucl fell backward against the blankets.

“Mmmsowwy…mmmsowwwy-“ Mark mumbled against Donghyucks clothes and the younger let himself enjoy the heat of Marks embrace, something he had longed for.

The 00liner whooped with joy somewhere behind them as Jisung muttered something along the lines of “Finally…this Canadian child”. Chenle was busy throwing pillows at them which Mark took because nothing could separate him from Donghyuck again. No one…not even Donghyuck himself.

“I’M PROUD OF YOU!!!” Jaemin squealed and hopped right onto Mark, the others following suit until they became a human burger with Donghyuck at the bottom. There were yells and threats here and there as they quickly drowned in tangled limbs, the voice of Doyoung scolding them to stop heard vaguely in the background.

And the Donghyuck laughed.

The room became still, all focused on the wheezy breaths that erupted from between Donghyucks lips. For a moment, they all were frozen in time, the echoes of a voice they hand longed to hear ringing in their ears like chiming bells.

In a single movement, they rolled off of each other and looked stared hard at Donghyuck. The boy stopped, looking bewildered at their reaction before a big smile stretched on their faces.

“OH MY GOD HYUCK!”

And then there was more chaos and more screaming, because that was the light, the hope that thinsg could go back to the way they used to. Jaemin was all ready to tickle Donghyuck while the others continuously did slap stick comedy with no shame, all to let that beautiful voice ring once more.

And Jeno sad beside Donghyuck as the latter leaned against him, bursting into laughter, his eye smile permanent for the whole day with a quiet smile he used all the time when things got too chaotic for their own good.

Doyoung, realizing there was no calming down these boys (and low key wanting to hear Donghyuck laugh more), resorting to cooking them meals that did not nvolve any type of MSG (God, were they drunk off of that stuff) and anything instant.

“Hey, hey…he’s gonna choke…” Jisung pointed out but was quickly silenced as Renjuns pillow smacked him across the head, causing another fit of laughter among the youngsters.

-

Donghyuck could feel the tension that lay beyond the door he now stood behind. Doyoung had one of his shoulders in his palm and Mark was holding his hand tightly.

“They won’t be angry” Mark whispered soothingly, the younger boy evidently trembling beside him. “I promise you”

Donghyuck could feel his throat clog up, his voice hitching. The very thought of having to face them, to have those voices return to haunt him upon the door opening was enough for his mind to pull up its first wall of defense…to stay quiet.

“They were a wreck…they still are, Hyuck.” Doyoung said gently and guided Donghyucks hand to the door knob. Impulsively, Donghyuck leaned forward to press his ear to the door.

There was someone crying…was that Johnny? Johnny rarely cried…but there was no way that voice could be anyone else’s. He didn’t have to strain his ears to hear the deep voice of Jaehyun comforting Jungwoo. The others were very quiet though…but perhaps they had cried the last of their tears and the fact that he was the reason made Donghyuck’s heart clench in his chest.

“Take your time” Doyoung said when he pulled away, his hand moving to turn the knob. “You don’t have to do it now if you don’t want to”

But he wanted to. There was endless guilt and sadness beyond that door and he was the cause of it. The clock was ticking, steady and comforting. Pulling the confidence he had long hidden, Donghyuck turned the doorknob and pushed forward, pulling Mark with him.

And he met the eyes of those that had hurt him, and he had hurt in return without him knowing. But in their eyes were nothing but love…love and affection and everything he could have wanted. Taeyong was right in front, his arms open wide to let him in, and Donghyuck let go of Marks hand as he pursued the affection given so freely.

The warmth that hit him muffled the voices and the small aching sobs that were accompanied by more warmth, surrounding him, made his body feel lighter than ever,

He tuned out the apologies because he was also at fault. He simply held Taeyong closer and let the others smother him in a group hug, because it was warm and warmth was what showed love.

Love.

“I won’t let you go again” Taeyong promised, his voice croaky after endless nights of no sleep and constant worrying. “I won’t let them tell you otherwise.”

The voices were silent and he could almost imagine that they had not existed. The small warmth that had begun to blossom in his chest held hope that he could start loving himself more, to see beyond what he had seen for the past two weeks.

“I…I want a go…”

Donghyuck looked up to meet Johnny’s eyes. The towering figure that had seemed so intimidating the past week was now what he sought out for as he launched himself into those strong arms, and he could feel Johnnys dam break upon feeling his presence.

“H…hyung” Donghyuck whimpered in Johnnys ear and that only made him cry harder.

Donghyuck could barely see beyond his blurry tear filled vision, but he knew the others, Yuta, Jungwoo, Jaehyun, Taeil, Taeyong, Doyoung and Mark were there, giving the two roommates a moment of privacy.

The coldness was gone, and Donghyuck felt the first sliver of sunlight make its way into his empty heart. He was home…and he knew now that without him, there was no home to begin with. He didn’t have to say a word to tell them how much he missed them, their touch and their warmth and their love.

“I’m here” Donghyuck said, albeit more clearly, pulling back so he could look into the eyes of his members once more. “I’m home”

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, thank you so much for reading! I really enjoy writing angsty fics though, haha...but I'm sorry this one was a little rushed. I know, I know... it would've done better as a chaptered fic but I don't have the patience to update regularly...so this idea came out as a one shot.
> 
> Anyway, support the boys and their comeback loads and continue to enjoy Haechans beautiful voice!  
> Again, sorry thsi was a little rushed but I hope you enjoyed this loads.
> 
> Also...do comment, too. I really love reading them.
> 
>   
> [twt](https://twitter.com/Skydancer_8?s=09) | [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Skydancer_8)


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